Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want a musical about memes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
