I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm like, not good at living.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
