I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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