Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
