In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
