I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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