Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
