have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
