had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
