So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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