I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
