I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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