Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
