when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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