Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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