My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
