It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
