giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
