Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
