Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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