Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
