Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
