whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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