so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
