You smell like stripper and shame
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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