This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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