How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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