my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
