i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
