Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
