My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
