just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
