I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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