How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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