We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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