am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
