ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
