I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
