On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
