You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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