We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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