You can't special order awesome
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
