Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
