Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
