I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
