I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
