Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
50% drunk capacity currently
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
