I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
