Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
