Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
