I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
