i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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