DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
