my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
