my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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