last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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