I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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