Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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