Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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